Quigital Coffee ChronoLift

I’m five-foot-nothing and hoped the Quigital Coffee ChronoLift would give me a jump through time, not a meltdown. After the third “Lift brew,” my kitchen stuttered like a skipped record, the clock rewound dinner into raw chicken, and a glitchy duplicate of me appeared, argued, then vanished with my keys. The device scorched the counter, the app froze on “loop detected,” and customer support said my “altitude profile” voided the warranty. I’m left with burned beans, missing keys, and a timeline that tastes like regret

I wanted a boost, not a paradox. After calibrating the ChronoLift to “petite plus,” I sipped the brew and immediately jitter-ported five minutes earlier, colliding with my earlier self. Two of me grabbed the same mug, we spilled boiling coffee, fried the sensor ring, and triggered an endless loop of micro-jumps that made me late to everything and shorter by half an inch. Support told me to “drink backwards.” It’s gimmicky, unsafe, and weirdly heightist. I returned it—yesterday—and it’s somehow still here